Symptoms of A Failing Heart

in about an hour or so, i'll be off to australia already!
time to run down or shoot down some kangaroos when i'm there.
but thinking of the living condition and hectic training there, i can't help but hate it.
this time round, i have to dig a hole before i can take a dump.
how sad.
imagine if i had an urgent one, jialat.


despite the bad points, i'm ONLY looking forward to the RnR.
and also when i arrives back at singapore.
not forgetting, the stripclubs there has been making most of us hot-blooded males really EXCITED.
time to experience some pole/lap dance and stuff small cash into women's lingerine.
WAHAHAHAHA.


thru' thick n thin boys!


and i would like to thank those people who have been wishing me all the bon voyage smses.
and the lua's for the talisman.
i assure you, tong and me will be back safely in one piece with your sourvenirs.
but i know you guys just want the souvenirs back safely will do.
lol.
i will try to get everything in the well-prepared cursed SHOPPING LIST you guys gave me.
-roxy/rip curl slippers, checked.
-milk, checked.
-chocolates, checked.
-nuggots, checked.
-dress, checked.
-exact 6 inch kangaroo's penis, checked.
-pictures of naked dancers, checked.
-pictures of naked weitong, checked.


sad to say, i won't be here to celebrate hock's 21st birthday.
so HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY YOU SEXY EYEBROW!
and you're a cheeky asshole to leave us in the dark.


alright i'll see you guys in 16 days time!
shall call you guys once i'm free or u can do the same too
=)
well, i gonna go do my last preparation now.
in the mean time, be safe my fellow friends.
for we shall PARTY when i'm back!


and i got the point that i should leave you alone.

because these words were never easier for me to say,
or you to second guess.
but i guess that i can live without you.
but without you,
i'll be miserable at best.

blogspot sucks.
because i don't get to post passworded entries.
there's some stuffs i need to put up for my own references but i couldn't.
the most i could only save as draft and keep it.
zzzzz....


and to make it worse,
i'm boarding the flight tomorrow!
argh.
the fucking mixed feelings i'm having right now.
i dread so much.
i don't feel like leaving at all.
at least i'm not ready to.
to leave everything behind.
FUCK.
why can't i feel good about leaving?


oh yeah, i'll be bringing a auto-roam number.
just incase any of you need to find me.
call/sms 91268708.


p.s. dear diary, my teen angst has a fucking bodycount

8am morning's jog turned into more of a walk!
and next was breakfast at macdonald's.
so i guess everything end up in vain.
rofl.


home-d to nap before heading out again at 3pm.
accompanied hock, kuku to tampines mall where they wanted to buy a levis jeans.
wenyan joined not long later as she changed her faulty laptop.
hock left home first as he needed to book in early and off we went to wenyan's house.
stay there for awhile before my family came to pick me up for dinner at marina's long beach!


alasaka crab was seriously OMFG!
$118 per 1kg!
but it is certainly worth it.
so the 4 of us ate $323 in total.
hohoho.





back to tampines while we got rowdee down.
joined the rest of the rowdians to slack at central park.
talk crap and hot gossips before it was home sweet home at 11pm.


below are the long awaited photos from zhenfai's birthday party.

spent half my day at parkway today.
sent yushan there for work at 2pm.
hang around, wasting time inbetween.
till i had lunch with yushan at 4pm.
then lunched with felki at 5pm.
after little consideration, pierced my tongue at roxy square.
(don't ask me why, the idea just came to me and i couldn't hesitate)
had birthday dinner with the lua's at ajisen at 8pm.
lua's left while i find yushan and wait till she knocks off at 10pm.
as her friend was there to pick her up, so i had no choice but to make my way back first.
off to ben's house to watch soccer match.
it ended and home i went.


so HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY to ryan lua!
and HAPPY 14th BIRTHDAY to ah boon!


now they're making fun of me when i speak.
argh.
i hope someone is able to wake up tomorrow for jogging.
=)

i was suppose to sleep.
but i couldn't.
and i'm having diarrhoea.
FUCK.

my mom bought home macdonald breakfast for me!
<3
though she's nagging at me AGAIN.
about the ever increasing handphone bill. (but it's lesser than last month's!)
HAHA.


well, from what she mentioned, the point is,
why is the bill increasing?, when i don't call her as OFTEN as i did in camp last time!
rofl.
she even complains about it to my bro who inturns nag at me as well.
heh, i simply can't explain.
she said i forgot about her already.
LOL.
sorry mum.

2 IPPT attempt this week and i still can't fucking nail it!!!
i had to retake because my previous gold is still pending.
and my OC wants me to retake as he thinks i could do it again.


but argh. damn i suck so bad. so bad!
all thanks to my 2.4km run.
1st try was 4 sec away from gold.
2nd try was even worse, almost 30 sec away!
FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK!
2nd try could be thanks to the new environment as our test was on the running track instead.
and the weather is way too HOT.


so near yet SO FAR.....
i can't help but have this negative feeling even before the run starts.
somehow deep inside, i knew i could have push myself more.
but when i actually tried to do in the process, i simply couldn't.
the feeling is fuck, knowing i haven't really done my very best.
i am so much WEAKER than i have expected.
i hate myself.


anyway, booked out at 2pm today.
cabbed home and change.
down to marina bay for steamboat for company cohesion night at 5pm.
ate, arcade, bowling and then movie of "RE: Extinction" for me.
i'm back now thanks to the ride from PC.


negative feelings are running all over my head still!
for fuck sake, i need to kill them.

i actually slept a whole lot today!
finally, after so long, i was so fucking tired that i didn't even felt like waking up at all.
UNTIL SOMEONE'S SMS INTERRUPT MY SWEET DREAM!
you know who you are! watch out.
argh.
though i stil manage to continue sleeping but not before someone else's sms interrupt me again!
for fuck sake, just when i really need the sleep, i couldn't even get it.


so i was awake at 1200.
no computer to use.
hence i packed my stuffs, doing all the last minute checks before i'm good to go.


at 1315, proceed to tm where i met jo for lunch during her break.
as she can only be release at 1430, therefore i went to buy my neccessary stuffs for australia and then the bookstore to read up.
once she's out, we bought sushi and stuffs at ntuc and then her concealer at watson's.
in no time, we're done with our food and walking, and she was back to work.


while i left for army shop to help my platoon buy more items.
and i'm OFFICIALLY BROKE! less than $10 in my bank right now!
FUCK. thank god pay is coming, though i'm still feeling fucking poor.
and hopefully, they return me my money asap!


home-d to put all my stuffs down and rest for awhile.
before coming out again at 1720 to fetch jo back from work.
bought her famous amos and waited for awhile.
she was keen to buy a dress though after a try, we didn't manage to find the perfect one.
and i swear i didn't laugh! lol!
could have went to town to find one but due to my tight schedule of booking in, so apparently not.
sorry!
took a bus and i sent the tired, lazy ass home.


here i am, home again.
waiting for mum as she'll be bringing my bro and my dinner home!
minced meat noodle with LOTSA OF WANTON!
oh, hungry hungry!



anyway, booking in at 2300.
hopefully my dad agrees to drive me.
for all the shitload of invoices i helped him typed, he better!

what a perfect surprise 21st birthday bash we had for zhenfai, courtesy of meifang.
thanks to her putting all her blood, sweat, money, effort and hard work in planning it.
though i'm sure the result of seeing zhenfai's shocked/surprised face was way good enough.
you can also see that he's so touched he almost cried.
awwww........
wahahaha.


to kick off the birthday bash, we were suppose to meet up 1130 at clock to take bus to bedok interchange.
all wearing casual and together with the AWESOME presents we sort of secretly bought yesterday.
but as usual, all were late! and i thought i was the latest but i was totally wrong.
bumped onto anne at the bus stop but she was rushing and took a cab instead.
only to receive a call from me that her friends are just in the bus right behind her.
hahaha!
so end up we only took a bus at 1230 with some of us were already at different bus stop waiting.
met the rest and changed bus before we head to the condo where the party will be at.


rowdees/kukus attendance: ben, tong, mond, keong, james, hock, qingan, sharon, alex, me, jason, khiaseng, charis, wenyan, tiannee, peggie, suetjing, kuku, bah geh and black


thank god zhenfai didn't came earlier than us.
so everyone waited for him at the function room and then came the rain pouring.
everyone which includes rowdees, kukus, zhenfai's JC/NTU friends and mantianal.
honestly, the whole place there is like WOW.
anyway, zhenfai was tricked there by meifang who says her relative needs his help to move stuffs.
in no time, he arrives with his ever so sexy dressing and only manage to "detect" us when he came close to the door.
and then came that looks on his face, it was worth laughing a WHOLE LOT!
ROFL.


price of catering food, $400 +/-
price of birthday present, $300 +/-
the look on zhenfai's face, PRICELESS


hence, the party begans!
lots of stunts and shits which he had to do in order to collect his presents.
from receiving kisses from us to swimming to writing words in the air with his ass to mimicking mocca commercial/(d)rain impersonation to doing 5 push-ups with me lying ontop (I'M NOT HEAVY OK!) to bursting balloons with his body.
so much laughter and fun we had during that part!
zhenfai is indeed fucking sporting.
somehow i wonder how i manage to know such unshy person like zhenfai.
LOL. honestly, i feel abit embarassed myself! hahaha!


action ended and time for food!
food was great, especially the cake!
oh my god, so nutty.


party ended at 1600 with most of the rowdians heading home.
leaving only afew of us who proceed to safra to play pool as it was still early.
sadly, the place was so crowded that we end up watching soccer match at the new synthetic field.
match was very interesting which kept us glued to it.
next stop was army shop while i complete my stock for australia.
the rest then had dinner at 820 as i left for home.


changed and back down to find matoot because i am lending his bicycle for night riding!
night riding with only 2 person, umbrella and me.
hahaha!
sounds pathetic but it was so much fun compared to more people.
our destination; changi village. lol.
could have went further but thanks to the weak and lazy ass.
lawl.
took quite some time for us to reach there as we kept complaining, teased, joked and talked crap all the way.
once we're there, hanged around at the seaside before the rain interrupted us awhile, then ate at the hawker and soon enough, we made our way back.
returned the bicycle before sending umbrella home.
whole night riding spent around 4 hours.
=)


so here i am.
home-d.
uclers hurts.
throat hurts.
and now my ass hurts!
hahaha.


photos will be uploaded soon.

tiredness is overwhelming me these days.
with the additional pain from my 2 ulcers, my days are going from gray to an even darker tone!
i've been so fucking tired that i doze off immediately when i took the train today.



all these sleepless nights, tossing and turning and waking up in the middle of night is no fun.
i simply woke up suddenly, then stay awake for awhile and then fall back asleep again.
it's like what the fuck!
for fuck sake, my body alarm is so screwed up when i book out.
i can't help but doze off randomly now.


some people must have spreaded me the dozing off syndrome. rofl.


and this reminds me of the time when my bro just came back from his army BMT days.
we were playing co-operative 2 player game, killing monsters, on the xbox.
haflway through, i suddenly saw his character stopped moving.
(we can only advance to area when both our characters moves there)
"OI, move leh. you don't move how i move?", i said
so i turned back and saw him DOZE OFF!
i was like "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?"
i quickly woke him up, "KNN, you play game also can doze off? so pro?"
"want to sleep don't play leh."
and he goes "okok." (sort of semi-conscious)
it's fucking hilarious and it didn't stop there.
i guess my words doesn't go in his head.
his character stop moving around once in a while and i got sick of it, i stop playing.
lol.



i can finally understand how he felt until i started serving the nation myself.
and now that feeling is coming back to me.

yet another fucking late book out!
which results in me unable to join the rowdians for soccer on time.
=(
so home i went instead.


my trip to australia is nearing!!
which i'll be leaving on the 15th!
argh fuck.
don't think i really look forward to it at all!
it will be a tough, hectic training with a tight schedule of outfield nonstop.
even if i'm just gonna be there for 16 days, i'm gonna miss lots of things back in singapore.
it will KILL, a stab straight to my heart, surely.
left all alone with my company mates.
because the training ground has no reception at all.
and imagine using the 4 pathetic telephone booth there with few hundreds of us queuing.
sucks big time.


not forgetting the kit bag inspection before we leave where everything we pack must be real CLEAN.
so clean that it is sand/mud-free and everything because the authorities there is so specific about cleaniness incase we bring some diseases there.
i wonder if i could actually wash my stuffs until so clean.
now, i've only got a few days left to pack and i need to purchase my missing items quick.
a long list ahead.
where are you my pay?!?!


i don't feel like leaving.
not yet.
i'd rather spare myself the agony.

you are the earth beneath my feet,
you are my gravity.


my heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewellery,
which ever you prefer.

my throat is getting no fucking better today.
i could hardly scream.
but i'll be fine.
i always do, don't i?
and it's not me being emo by listening to my mp3 only and not entertaining you guys.
i am fine, seriously.
thanks for the concern yesterday.
just that sometimes i prefer to feel alone with my music, you know.
i just can't help it cause they keep me alive in a way.
i'm sure you guys know me well enough.
=)


i'm not someone who would go all out emo and slit my writs, cut myself, black my eyes and stuffs.


well, i was already awake at 7am!
tried going back to sleep but i just couldn't.
i've been sleeping so little lately.
though my body has gotten used to it.


the countdown beings now.
don't just let loose, let go...